They Saved My Life

Many things saved my life during cancer.  My optimism and my faith were monumental factors, but I would argue that what saved me the most didn’t even exist yet.  My children.

As of late, I have been blessed to give many speeches to audiences of women and caretakers who are, in some way, touched by breast cancer.  During one such event, a doctor, of whom I have grown to hold in the highest regard, walked up to me after I spoke.  There were tears in his eyes.  At first, he tried to speak  and nothing came out.  So he simply hugged me.  That hug spoke more than words ever could.  Finally, he smiled kindly, and told me about his wife’s battle with breast cancer in her 30’s and the miracle daughter they were blessed with following that battle.

I am a believer in God, yes, but I am also a believer in science and do not find them mutually exclusive.  I find them to go hand in hand.  The doctor then said to me words that will always reverberate in my mind.  His eyes watched Grace as she danced around the event room, hugging the many strangers she saw and Huck as he napped in his seat.

“They saved your life, you know.”  I smiled, not astonished in the least by his comment.  I knew emotionally, my love for them before their very existence was my driving force for survival.

As a doctor however, he meant statically.  Those who have children following their battle with breast cancer have rates of survival that “SKYROCKET.”

I too, began to cry at this point as I watched my beautiful rays of sunshine in all their light.

I thought about the moments I heard the words “you have cancer.”

I thought about the countless months…years, of pain that I endured.

I thought about the fertility procedures I had undergone to freeze eggs before chemo.  The hundreds of needles I had poked into my belly.

I thought about watching the chemo drip through the tube into the port carved into my chest.

I thought about the moment I pulled half of the hair from my head with one hand.

I thought about the times my body writhed and collapsed in pain from the marrow boosting injections I gave myself during chemo.

Then,

I thought about the day my husband proposed to me.

I thought of the day we were married in my father’s hospital room.

I thought of the day I saw that positive pregnancy test and the second one.

I thought of the day they each were born.

Yes.

Yes, they saved my life.  My love for the children I didn’t even have yet saved my life.

And it still does.

It saves my life.  Every single day.

 

The Rise of the Momprenuer

At a very young age, I knew what career path I wanted to pursue.  I loved politics, and at that time, I was completely untarnished by the stress that came with the field. International politics was always my passion, and as such, I signed my intent to pursue my Bachelors Degree in Comparative Politics as well as my Masters following that in the same focus.

I knew not where that career path would take me, but I did know whenever it was that God blessed me with children, they would gain my complete focus and devotion.  After some years in the Michigan Senate, I was blessed with my true dream; marriage to the love of my life and a miracle baby following cancer and chemo.

I started this post with a little background because I think it is something many of you mommies can relate to.  It is so very easy for we, as women and mothers, to be completely selfless. I sat there one day and thought, my day consists of waking up, making coffee and packing my husband’s lunch, making a bottle for Huck and oatmeal for Grace, baths, getting dressed, reading, playing, eating again, naps, washing bottles, starting dinner, feeding dinner, getting pajamas on, reading, brushing teeth, and bedtime, all while cleaning the house in the available minutes. AND I LOVE IT!  But…when was it I showered last?  I think I should try to remember to brush my hair before I go to bed. I have worn it up for days…Wait did I ever eat dinner?  Man, I still have to pee from hours ago.

As a stay at home mom, I am completely fulfilled.  For the first time in my life, I am not searching for more, and I know I never will.  I am fulfilled watching my babies grow each day, teaching them new things, cleaning, doing dishes, doing laundry, and wiping butts! I am truly HAPPY.

Being fulfilled and not needing more however, doesn’t mean we can’t include something in our lives that is for us.  As of late, we have all seen an explosion of at home (or turnkey) businesses; this explosion I call the rise of the MOMPRENUERS.

Why has there been this rise?  I think it includes but isn’t limited to some of the following:

• We are able to give our complete focus to our kids, but come nap time and bedtime, we are able to carve out enough time to do something (non wiping butts related) that we truly enjoy.
• We are able to make a little money to contribute to the income. Ladies, we contribute every bit of ourselves to our family, 24/7.  I am the first to understand though (especially after have my own career, 401k plan etc.), it sucks to have to ask your husband for money.  I HATE IT.
• We are able to spend a little more time on us, and in turn, our kids benefit.  The past few weeks, I have made an effort to take care of myself too.  I do my hair, put a little makeup on, and bought something for MYSELF for the first time in two years that wasn’t maternity related.  TWO YEARS!!!  I am a super budget conscious person.  My husband and I have laid out very strict budgets for everything, and we stick to them. That being said, I think it is important for my kids to see me taking care of myself so they grow to take care of themselves too.
• We are forced to do something other than clean once the kids are asleep.  It sounds silly, but nourishing our brains is important too!
• As stay at home moms, we are sometimes very isolated from the world and our friends.  Our lives are 100% about our children.  With businesses essentially fueled by online means, we are able to connect with friends, and make new ones, all while being able to run upstairs to cuddle a restless baby.
• I think it is healthy for our significant others to see us excited about something and taking care of ourselves.  We not only feel more confident about ourselves, we are more exciting to them as well when we feel a sense of independence.

I have been so uplifted by watching my fellow mommies go for it, and I love helping to support their business!  From LuLaRoe to Usborne and many many more, I have loved seeing my fellow mommies harness their passion, and I am excited to do that myself through Usborne Books.

Let me add this because some of you may be feeling this way too.  For a long while, I thought that after getting a undergraduate degree and a graduate degree, having a career, starting a nonprofit, and largely considering myself an intellectual, it would be “beneath my potential” to start “one of those from home fads.”

But you know what is far more important than credentials?  Happiness.

So to the attorney who decided to stay home and raise her babies and has a LOVE of fashion: GO for that LuLaRoe business!  And love every minute of it.

To the teacher who was able to stay home with her babies (much like my own mom) and wants to harness her love for children and literacy: Go for that Usborne Books business! Take heart in helping to spread literacy and adventure to countless children still!

Whatever business it is that you pursue, let yourself come alive doing it.  Congratulations on being blessed to stay home with your babies.  It is a gift many aren’t able to experience and one that I will never take for granted. And when that (or those) sweet gifts are down for the night, set down the mop and do something that makes you smile.

You ARE able to spend some time on yourself without feeling guilty. You are worth it.

Fireflies in a Jar

As we prepare to move out to the farmhouse, I find myself dreaming of our life there. Those dreams are splashed with happiness in many forms, shapes, and colors.  My senses come alive.  I can hear Grace and Huck laugh, as they chase each other through the yard under its canopy of large trees, ending in the patch of pines at the back of the property.  I can see their sweet faces smeared with the ground’s dark soil as we plant our garden full of fresh foods. I can hear the rush of the sweet corn as a wind hits its stalks.  I smile as I picture the excitement in their eyes as they return to the house with fresh eggs to eat. I can see the light on late at night from the kitchen window as Kelly builds his latest masterpiece in the barn.

As Kelly left last night from his tireless work on preparing the house for his family, he called me.  Despite being exhausted, he sounded exhilarated.

“You know what I could hear when I left the house tonight?”

“What?” I asked.

“Nothing!  And it was amazing.”

So many people spend their lifetimes searching for peace.  Kelly and I were lucky to find peace at a very young age and that it came in full abundance in the country.  And, in the middle of all that peace, one is able to soak it in.  It replenishes, it heals.  The crickets really do sing at night, the trees orchestrate their very own lullaby, and the stars shine a little brighter.

When we were younger, my sister, cousins, and I would come alive when the sun went down.  Grandma would give us each a mason jar and send us out to see if we could capture the fireflies that danced around the yard.  We would never keep them, but for those moments, as we captured those flickering lights, it seemed like we were capturing hope too.  Small, flickering moments of childhood that would light a piece of us up forever.

Perhaps, that is what I picture most for my own children.  I sit on the white fence in the full splendor of the night, a slight chill in the air.  And I watch the moon glow down on the forms of their bodies as they dance the firefly dance.

Flickering.

Capturing bursts of light

and hope

in a jar.

 

 

 

 

Ouchie, Mama

I have often wondered how I will ever tell my children about cancer, what it did to my body, and the way it changed the path of my life forever.  I also wondered when they would notice mommy was built differently than other women.

The latter happened today. We were reading a book, and Grace pulled down the front of my shirt.  Her eyes widened with worry and her small fingers traced the giant scars covering my chest.

“Ouchie, Mama.  Oh, Mama…ouch.”

One always hopes they will react with strength in situations such as this. Many of my fellow cancer survivors can relate to the situation where someone remarks about your cancer battle, and it hits you all over again.  Oh my God, that did happen to me.  The terror of the situation hits you all over again.

This was one such instance.  As Grace stared at my chest with a look of pain, I started to cry.  I never want to be in a situation where my young child has to comfort me.  But that is just what she did. She rested her head against my scars and pet my arm reassuringly.

We have raised our kids in a house of praise, similar to “The Help” phrase, “You are Kind.  You are Smart.  You are Important.”  I did then the only thing I could think to say.  I grabbed her sweet little face and said, “You are beautiful.  No matter what happens in life, always remember you are beautiful.”  And then I added to marry a man someday who makes you feel beautiful always and tells you often, especially if you are covered in scars. The constant praise shouldn’t stop in childhood.  The last part she will not understand for a long while, but I will tell her always so she grows knowing her worth.

We learn many lessons in life, sometimes those lessons come from a sweet, innocent child.

After laying Grace down for her nap, I realized I was still crying a little.  I walked to the mirror in my bathroom and repeated, “You are beautiful.  No matter what happens in life, always remember you are beautiful.”

Constant praise, even for yourself.  Always.

Hammerin’ Nails

Each day after work and every weekend, Kelly works tirelessly on restoring our beautiful, old farmhouse. Not returning home until midnight most nights, his hands are split open, his knees swollen, body covered in dust. He never mentions the toll it is taking on his body, but only how he pictures the kids playing on the floor he poured his love into and their rooms as he constructs the walls. Instead of coming home to his kids each night, he selflessly builds their new home up strong and proud, creating a foundation of love and hard work that they will always grow from.

A foundation of love comes in many forms.  As parents to our two sweet blessings, we hope to pair our manners of showing love together as strong as brick and mortar.  As Kelly sets a true example of dedication, selfless hard work, and strength, I try to compliment that with being the mortar that holds it in place. Motherhood is so much more than making sure your children are clean and fed.  For me, motherhood means making certain I help instill a mighty faith that cannot be shaken.  It means daily cherishing their every moves and not taking a single one for granted.  My mom, a teacher, always said that teaching should secondarily take place in the classroom and primarily in the home. That lesson she gave me has led to our daily lessons in knowledge as well as life. We both hope to impart on them the importance of education and that there is always something more to be learned.

As Kelly and I both hammer the nails of virtue, love, and strength into our sweet babies, we know that despite all of our differences, we together are the lucky ones. We have achieved the true joys life has to offer.  Marriage, parenthood, courage, and gratitude are just some on a very long list.

I relish a life of simplicity.  A life that consists of pouring all my love into my Kelly, Grace, and Huck every minute of every day.  And, as we watch our wildflowers sprout and grow in that foundation we have created together, I pray we always remember that is all we will ever really need.

Each other and the countless nails holding it all together.

In the Garden

My mom always loved to garden.  The colors, the fresh air, the wind filtering through the trees and rushing over her face.  I remember watching her.  She knew how to live.  She loved each breath, each green life poking through the soil.  She always said God was an artist.  She breathed a little longer than most, a little deeper.

Her hands were calloused from digging through that land.  The sides of her nails were often stained with the fruits of her labor.  She had her hand in delivering life to the earth, and she was present in every daffodil, morning glory, and tulip she planted.  She always will be.

As I walk through the garden of life, I see her ahead of me making the path.  Her blonde hair shines in the daffodils, her spirit in the morning glories.  And as the sun spreads across the fields and the dew glistens in reply, a wind covers my skin.  And I breathe a little longer.  A little deeper.  In those moments, she is there with me.  Watching the life she gave to this earth.

Together, we smile.  We smile at the beauty of life, even beauty in its sadness.  And as life calls me through the garden, my fingers trace its fragile petals.  I follow her through the colors and, as I tarry there and the wind rushes over my face, our souls are together once more.

 

 

 

Little Snackers

I think anyone with a toddler can attest to the struggle with pickiness.  I will say, I lucked out, but Grace sends me into worried fits when she doesn’t seem to want to eat some days! I have always had one rule though.  Even if she doesn’t seem to want to eat, I WILL NOT just give her unhealthy food.  She will eat when she is hungry.  I know what I am giving her is what she usually loves, so unhealthy food is not necessary.

I have had many people ask me how I get Grace to eat so healthily. I have no tricks.  My answer is pretty simple.  I have never given her any other options!  Grace is however more of a grazer.  She eats small amounts throughout the day in addition to eating chicken, cheese, yogurt, and eggs almost every day.  Because of that, we have come up with some healthy staple snacks I always have ready for her.

Black Beans

This one is pretty darn simple.  I get a can of organic black beans (organic mainly for the BPA free can) and rinse them well.  I then put them into her OXO Tot containers in the fridge. They are full of fiber and protein.  Perfect for at home and on the go!

Berries

We love fresh berries in our house!  Grace especially.  Berries are something we always have on hand.  She loves blueberries, strawberries, and blackberries especially!  My mom’s rule in feeding us was always the more color on your plate, the better.  I have definitely adopted that rule.  I also premake little smoothie pouches for her with berries and yogurt.  They are so sweet, versatile, and beautiful!

Baked Garbanzo Beans

I wanted to find something that could replace chips and crackers.  I thought of garbanzo beans!  They are packed with fiber and protein, and when baked, are a little crunchy too!  I just buy a can of them, rinse them well, and pour them onto a baking sheet.  Drizzle them with olive oil and whatever seasoning you prefer.  I just always try to use low sodium options.  Cook at 375 for 15-18 minutes!

Things to Dip!

Kids love to dip things, at least mine does!  So what better way to spice up healthy food than to make it dipable!  We have four dips we especially love!

• Apple slices and peanut butter
• Berries and yogurt
• Grape tomatoes and mashed avocado or guacamole
• Red pepper and hummus

All healthy and all so fun and colorful for kids!

Sweet Potato Fries

Another example of an unhealthy food turned super healthy!  Simply remove the skin from the sweet potato, slice into fry shaped pieces, place onto a baking sheet, and drizzle with olive oil!  We add cinnamon too!  Bake at 425 for 30 minutes or until cooked to your preference.  Yummy!

Kale Chips

Yes, they are really good!  And oh so easy.  Kelly even likes them.  I find kale to be absolutely beautiful.  One of God’s pieces of art!  And the best part; it is literally one of the healthiest foods you can eat.  Simply remove the kale from the center stems and break into chip sized pieces (keep in mind it does shrink when cooked).  Drizzle with olive oil and your favorite seasoning.  Again, I use seasoning with little to no sodium.  Bake at 350 for 15 minutes.  At first, it may seem soggy, but let it sit out for a while.  It will crisp right up!

We have many other go to snacks that are very fun and also nutritious for kids!  I will continue to share them in this blog, and as always, hope that you share yours with us too!

Life Happened

Sometimes, in the hustle and bustle of life we forget about one very important thing- living.  I think that is why I so very much cherish the “good old days” when life wasn’t so overtaken by electronics, hectic work schedules, and all of the extras we seem to squeeze into our lives nowadays. And, in the moments when I start to feel overwhelmed by it all, I make myself stop, and notice the life happening around me.

When we first walked the floors of the farmhouse, I felt how alive it all was.  The shining old wooden trim, the wallpaper, every bit of it.  And I not only thought about the life we would be bringing to it, I thought about all of the life that had already happened.  Years of people’s lives were lived in those walls.  They walked the floors with steps of happiness and sadness, playfulness, and love.  Children grew up there.  They stubbed their first toe, found their first hiding place, cried from their first heartbreak.  All of that living, though not our own, is something to cherish.

Each night after work and every weekend, Kelly works hard on making the farmhouse our home.  The old green carpets have been taken out, and long arduous step by arduous step, the gorgeous hardwoods are being given new life again.  They are being prepared with love and labor for our life there.  Our babies will grow up in that house.  They will laugh and cry, play hide and seek, study for school, and be loved in that house.  It is in that growth of love that life happens.

Above the sink in the kitchen is a large window overlooking the back yard.  As I look out, I picture Grace and Huck coming of age in a whirlwind of happiness. Hanging from the large trees, building forts in the tall pines, and coming home with many adventures to tell us about.  And, in that same light, I see my sweet mom looking out our kitchen window years ago as my sister and I played in our fields.

Together, she and I are singing, happy, and cherishing the life happening all around.